Self Esteem?

Today was not the day to call me “sir.”

I went to the mall and bought a card today, and as I approached the checkout counter, the young woman said, “hello, sir. I can serve you at the next cash register.” She walked around behind me to take her place behind the counter. I moved to the other register and asked her if she had called me “sir.” She answered that she had, and then I waited for her to recognize her mistake. I paid for the card and she said, “have a great day.” I couldn’t resist. I said, “well, it would go better if I weren’t called ‘sir’” and then I walked away. I turned back once to see her looking at me quizzically. I would have thought the purse and longish hair would have been a giveaway. I guess not.

I haven’t actually been called “sir” in quite a while, but that’s probably because I haven’t been in public much for the past several years. I’ve grown my hair longer than I used to have it, and yet it seems to make no difference to some people. I have even been mistaken for a man while wearing a skirt. With that one, I looked down at my skirt, looked back at the woman, and I asked, “seriously?” She didn’t blink an eye but said, “can I help you, ma’am?” Most people realize their mistake right away and apologize. They just weren’t paying attention when they greeted me, and out of the corner of their eye, my height made them assume I was a man. Those mistakes are OK, although they still irk me somewhat. But today’s young woman just didn’t have a clue.

I have often pondered and questioned others as to what makes people mistake me for a man. I have gotten no definitive answers. Yes, I am tall – actually, I’m slightly taller than the average North American man. Yes, my “curves” are subtle – well, pretty much non-existent. Can I help that? Even when I weight 200 lbs, I didn’t have much in the way of curves. I just became a thicker stick. There have been times I was wearing a fuchsia jacket, and someone still mistook me for a man! Wow! REALLY not paying attention.

Today, even before I went to the store, I was feeling down. The weather didn’t help. I’ve been thinking about some stuff, and second guessing some of my decisions. Some things in my life are hanging, stuck in neutral, and I don’t have any clear direction as to how to proceed. And then I think about some of the things I have done and wonder if that is why I am in the neutral position now. So my “self” esteem was low. And then someone thinks I’m a man. Bottomed out.

Thankfully, it doesn’t matter what I think of myself. For a long time, I have not really been concerned about what others think of me. This started way back in public school. Families gossipped about my family, and the kids relayed it all back to me in taunting form. They said things about my character and how I would turn out in life based on the actions of my mother, and the gossip exaggeration of my mother’s actions. Well, I knew who I was, and that I was not my mother, and I was equally as disturbed by what she had done – in fact, they had no idea of the majority of what she had done. So, I learned early that they had no clue, so it didn’t matter a whit what they thought of me or said about me. I knew who I was, and how I had been taught, and what I didn’t want to become.

What truly matters in my life is what God thinks of me. He has told me I am a sinner, and I deserve to be punished for my sin – of thought, word, and deed; what I have done, and what I have left undone. I deserve death for my sin because He cannot tolerate it. AND, He has told me that I am precious to Him. I am the apple of His eye. I am carved in the palms of His hands. He sent His own perfect, sinless Son to die for me so He and I could spend eternity together. He’s building me a house there, and it will be my forever home.

While I’m here on earth, with sin around me and through me, life will be a struggle. I will second-guess my decisions. I will do the wrong thing. I will hurt people. I will feel bad about myself, and sometimes, people will mistake me for a man. But none of that matters in the long run. It only matters that God loves me more than anyone else will ever love me, and has provided a way out of my mistakes.

Until next time, remember what God really thinks of you…