Spider Fear

Two days in a row, talking about spiders. With the increase of the indoor spider population, I got thinking about two different aspects to the situation and thought I would share.

Monday morning, I was sitting on the couch surfing the internet when a rather large spider – at least large by non-tropical standards – ran across the floor. I immediately gasped, grabbed a facial tissue that was at hand, and screwed up my courage to kill it. I was not comfortable using only a small facial tissue instead of a paper towel for a spider of that size, but I did not want to leave the room and risk not being able to find it when I returned. There’s a whole new level of anxiety in a known, but unfound, spider. So, I approached and bent down, and the spider took off under the stereo stand. I armed myself with a paper towel and sat back on the couch, anxiously hoping it would reappear. About 20 minutes later, I saw it again, laid the paper towel on top of it and immediately flat-hand smacked it several times. Mission accomplished. Whew! I could again relax and let my heart rate return to normal.

At the Lutheran Women’s Missionary League Canada convention in 2009, the guest speaker was a pastor and family counsellor from the US and he spoke about abuse. At one point, he talked about the feelings of fear – the way the gut tenses, and I knew immediately what he was saying. I don’t remember what other body responses he talked about, but I added a couple of my own – heart pounding, nausea and goose bumps. And I had a lightening moment of understanding.

For most of my life, I have said I wasn’t afraid of anything. The emotions I recognized were happiness, sadness, and anger. I didn’t feel jealousy or fear. It turns out, I just never recognized the signs of fear. I truly don’t think I feel jealousy – but maybe another speaker one day will describe those body responses, and I will recognize them then. Earlier in 2009, I started to feel emotions I didn’t recognize, and they were as a result of my childhood. I felt some sort of longing, and abandonment, and neglect. This didn’t make sense to me, but they were so overwhelming I decided I needed to investigate the source. I soon came to realize it was because of the abuse and neglect my mother brought into my life. I had never felt these things before – not that I could remember.

As I tried to make sense of these things, I also recognized I had a fear of confrontation, especially with women. There were more men in my life, and I seem to have a healthy relationship with them, certainly in terms of confrontation. But, for some reason, if a woman confronted me, fear! The stress from this fear in dealing with my mother-in-law has caused my long-term health issues. But these emotions were new and obviously came from a much earlier time in my life, and I needed to understand them.

Some wise people in my life told me “feelings need to be felt.” This was confirmed in the reading I was doing at the time as well. I have always “judged” my emotions. “It’s stupid that I am afraid of spiders.” That’s a judgment. I don’t know why I am afraid of spiders. There is one memory from when I was small where a spider bit me on the toe, and it hurt. Maybe that was when the fear started. A crayfish once bit me on the toe too, but, although crayfish are not as prevalent in my life, I don’t think I fear them. Why? Don’t know. There is no logic – these are emotions.

So now, a couple of years later, and after much reading and talking, I recognize the more complete range of emotions I feel. And I feel them. There are days I am just very sad and cry. I don’t know why always, but I need to feel them and to cry. In my reading I discovered I have been “emotionally detached” all these years. It is one of the mechanisms the brain uses to protect a child from being overwhelmed by trauma in their life. But it is not the way God meant for emotions to work. When I first broke through this detachment, all my emotions were scary. They were stuck in the fear and trauma of a time when I was very young – a time when things can be very scary. I needed to feel my emotions, scary or not, to be able to let them “grow up.”

I still try to control my emotions somewhat – it is a hard habit to break. And my health cannot handle a lot of strong emotion any more without negative physical impact. But, if something moves me now, I let the tears flow. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. They are emotions.

And I know sometimes God has cried with me. Jesus was with me during those times of trauma early in my life. He held me sometimes when I cried. I know He is still with me. He didn’t want those things to happen to me, but since they did, He can turn them all around for my benefit (Romans 8:28). He and I are in this together – always have been, always will be. He will mete vengeance on those who wronged me – in His way, in His time, and according to His mercy. I don’t need to be at all concerned about it. And He promises me that one day, I will be free of the emotional and physical pain I have endured during my earthly life. What I have suffered here is so minor compared to the “weight of glory” He has in store for me (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). And I look forward to that day.

And, for no good reason, I will likely always be afraid of spiders.

Until next time, feel the feelings...